Confessions of an Imaginary Friend Read online

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  Text and interior artwork copyright © 2015 by Michelle Cuevas

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  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Cuevas, Michelle.

  Confessions of an imaginary friend / as told to Michelle Cuevas.

  pages cm

  Summary: “When Jacques Papier discovers he’s imaginary, he sets off on a journey to find his true home” —Provided by publisher.

  ISBN 978-0-698-17783-3

  [1. Imaginary playmates—Fiction.] I. Title.

  PZ7.C89268Co 2015

  [Fic]—dc23

  2014044885

  The publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for author or third-party websites or their content.

  Jacket art © 2015 by Merrilee Liddiard

  Jacket design by Maria Fazio

  Version_1

  Contents

  TITLE PAGE

  COPYRIGHT

  DEDICATION

  Chapter 1: EVERYONE HATES JACQUES PAPIER

  Chapter 2: FRANÇOIS THE EVIL WIENER DOG

  Chapter 3: PAPIER’S PUPPETS

  Chapter 4: NO, REALLY. EVERYONE HATES JACQUES PAPIER.

  Chapter 5: THE MAP OF US

  Chapter 6: MAURICE THE MAGNIFICENT

  Chapter 7: FLABBERGASTED

  Chapter 8: KNOWN

  Chapter 9: R FOR RIDICULOUS

  Chapter 10: ME AND MY (NEW) BEST FRIEND

  Chapter 11: A SHORT LIST OF POTENTIAL BEST FRIENDS

  Chapter 12: THE GREAT DRAGON HERRING

  Chapter 13: THE ROLLER-SKATING COWGIRL

  Chapter 14: HOWL, CRICKET, SING

  Chapter 15: DANCING DUST

  Chapter 16: EVERYONE (STILL) HATES JACQUES PAPIER

  Chapter 17: THE TIDE’S ROLLING IN

  Chapter 18: IN WHICH I, JACQUES PAPIER, SUFFER AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS

  Chapter 19: THE POTS, THE PANS, AND OUR WHOLE SILLY LIVES

  Chapter 20: THE MERMAID AND THE HORSE

  Chapter 21: MR. PITIFUL

  Chapter 22: STINKY SOCK’S BRIEF BUT ODIFEROUS TALE

  Chapter 23: AN INVITATION

  Chapter 24: IMAGINARIES ANONYMOUS

  Chapter 25: THE LIGHT OF THE MOON

  Chapter 26: OOGLY BOOGLY

  Chapter 27: A MAP OF ME

  Chapter 28: A LIST OF WHAT I, JACQUES PAPIER, PLANNED TO DO WITH MY FREEDOM

  Chapter 29: BOOT-SCOOTIN’ BUCKAROO

  Chapter 30: TINY THINGS

  Chapter 31: SAILING AWAY

  Chapter 32: DARK

  Chapter 33: FREEDOM?

  Chapter 34: THE DUM-DUM BANDITS

  Chapter 35: I QUIT!

  Chapter 36: THE REASSIGNMENT FORM

  Chapter 37: THE OFFICE OF REASSIGNMENT

  Chapter 38: THE THING I HATE MOST

  Chapter 39: MERLA + DOG 4-EVER

  Chapter 40: A PORTRAIT OF JACQUES PAPIER

  Chapter 41: IMAGINARY EMERGENCY

  Chapter 42: BELLY RUBS AND LIGHTNING BUGS

  Chapter 43: THE DOG ATE DID MY HOMEWORK

  Chapter 44: THE BEST DOG EVER

  Chapter 45: THE THINGS I'M GOING TO MISS

  Chapter 46: THE PETRIFIED PRAIRIE DOG

  Chapter 47: YIMELLO

  Chapter 48: NO WORD

  Chapter 49: THE LOBSTER STRIKES

  Chapter 50: FARFALLINI!

  Chapter 51: HAVE YOU BEEN THERE THIS WHOLE TIME?

  Chapter 52: BABY BERNIE’S FIRST COHERENT SENTENCE

  Chapter 53: THE HIDDEN PARTS

  Chapter 54: THE WORLD ON A PIECE OF FUZZ

  Chapter 55: HOLY FUTURE FAILURE

  Chapter 56: BERNARD THE WONDROUS

  Chapter 57: AND HIS LOVELY ASSISTANT

  Chapter 58: EIGHT HUNDRED BILLION NEW STARS

  Chapter 59: GILLS AND WINGS AND SCALES OF GREEN

  Chapter 60: WELCOME HOME, JACQUES PAPIER

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  For Carly:

  I couldn’t imagine a better friend.

  Chapter One

  EVERYONE HATES JACQUES PAPIER

  Yes, world, I am writing my memoir, and I have titled the first chapter simply this:

  EVERYONE HATES JACQUES PAPIER

  I think it captures the exact drama of my first eight years in the world rather poetically. Soon I’ll move on to chapter two. This is where I’ll confess that the first chapter was, in fact, the truth stretched, much like the accordion body of my wiener dog, François. The stretch would be the word everyone. There are three exceptions to this word. They are:

  My mother.

  My father.

  My twin sister, Fleur.

  If you are observant, you’ll notice that I did not include François the wiener dog on this list.

  Chapter Two

  FRANÇOIS THE EVIL WIENER DOG

  A boy and his dog are, quite possibly, the most classic of all classic duos.

  Like peanut butter and jelly.

  Like a left and right foot.

  Like salt and pepper.

  And yet.

  My relationship with François more closely resembles peanut butter on a knuckle sandwich. A left foot in a bear trap. Salt and a fresh paper cut. You get the picture.

  In the interest of truth, it is not entirely François’ fault; the cards of life have been stacked rather steeply against him. For starters, I do not believe the person in charge of making dogs was paying attention when they attached François’ stumpy legs to his banana-shaped body. Perhaps we’d all be ill-tempered if our stomachs cleaned the floor whenever we went for a walk.

  The day we brought him home as a puppy, François sniffed my sister and grinned. He sniffed me and began barking—a barking that has never ceased in the eight years I’ve been within range of his villainous nose.

  Chapter Three

  PAPIER’S PUPPETS

  It is true that Papier is the French word for paper. However, my family does not make or sell paper. No, my family is in the imagination business.

  “Are there really that many people who need puppets?” Fleur asked our father. To be honest, I had often wondered the very same thing about our parents’ puppet shop.

  “Dear girl,” our father answered. “I think the real question is, who doesn’t need a puppet?”

  “Florists,” Fleur answered. “Musicians. Chefs. Newscasters . . .”

  “Oh hello,” Father said. “I’m a florist. They say talking to plants helps them grow, and now the puppet and I are chatting and our flowers are thriving.” He spun around. “Why, look at me, the piano player, with a puppet on each hand, so now I have four arms instead of just two. I’m a chef, but instea
d of an oven mitt, I have a puppet to pretend with. Oh look, I’m a newscaster who once delivered the news alone, but now have a puppet for witty banter.”

  “Fine,” Fleur said. “Lonely people without anyone to talk to need puppets. Luckily Jacques and I have each other, and we are going outside to play.”

  I smiled, waved to our father, and followed Fleur out the door. The bell rang as we left the cool gaze of puppets and greeted the sunshine, winking at us through afternoon clouds.

  Chapter Four

  NO, REALLY.

  EVERYONE HATES JACQUES PAPIER.

  School. Who thought of this cruel place? Perhaps it is the same person who matches together the various pieces of wiener dogs. School is a great example of a place where everyone (and I mean everyone) hates me. Allow me to illustrate with examples from this very week:

  On Monday, our class played kickball. The captains chose players for their team one by one. When they got to me, they just went and started the game. I wasn’t picked last; I wasn’t picked at all.

  On Tuesday, I was the only person who knew the capital of Idaho. I had my arm in the air, even waving it around like a hand puppet on the high sea. But the teacher just said, “Really? Nobody knows the answer? Nobody?”

  On Wednesday, at lunch, a very husky boy nearly sat on me, and I had to scramble from my seat to avoid certain death.

  On Thursday, I waited in line for the bus, and before I could get on, the driver shut the door. Right in my face. “Oh, COME ON!” I shouted, but the words disappeared in a cloud of exhaust. Fleur made the driver stop, got off, and walked home beside me.

  And so, on Friday morning, I begged my parents to let me stay home from school. They didn’t even say no. They just gave me the silent treatment.

  Chapter Five

  THE MAP OF US

  For as long as I could remember, Fleur and I had been making The Map of Us. There were the easy to draw places: the frog pond, the field with the best fireflies, and the tree where we’d carved our initials in the trunk.

  And there were the permanent fixtures in our world as well, like Puppet Shop Peak, the Fjords of François, and the Mountaintop of Mom & Dad.

  But then there were the other places.

  The best places.

  The places that could only be found by us.

  There was the stream full of tears that Fleur cried when a boy at school made fun of her teeth. The spot where we buried a time capsule. And the spot where we dug up a time capsule. And the much better place where the time capsule currently resides (for now). There was the sidewalk chalk art gallery we commission each summer. And the tree where I broke the climbing record, and also fell, but we didn’t tell Mom and Dad. There was the place where the flamingoose, the bighornbear, and the ostrimpanzee roam and graze. And the knothole in the oak where I kept Fleur’s smile, the one she does with her eyes instead of her mouth. There were hiding places, and finding places, and deep wells full of secrets.

  Yes, like any best friends, there was a whole world that could only be seen by her and me.

  Chapter Six

  MAURICE THE MAGNIFICENT

  Sometimes, on Sundays, our family would go to the local kids’ museum, which was really just a bunch of bubble blowing, and old rocks, and baby stuff like that. But that’s not why we went. We went because on Sundays you could get free popcorn and “enjoy” the “magic” of Maurice the Magnificent.

  Maurice was old. I don’t mean grandparent old or even great-grandparent old. I mean old. Old like the candles on his birthday cake cost more than the cake. Old like his memories were in black and white.

  And his tricks! They were the worst. He did one where he made a dove appear out of a phonograph. A phonograph! This guy was at least a thousand years old. Every time we went to his show, Fleur would lean over so I could whisper my witty remarks.

  “Maurice is so old,” I whispered, “his report card was written in hieroglyphics.”

  Fleur covered her mouth with her hands to contain her giggles.

  “He’s so old,” I continued, “that when he was born, the Dead Sea was just coming down with a cough.”

  Sadly, on that particular Sunday, neither of us noticed that Maurice the Magnificent had noticed us mocking his show.

  “Little girl,” said Maurice, pausing in front of us with a morose rabbit in his hands. “To whom are you whispering?”

  “This is my brother,” said Fleur. “His name is Jacques.”

  “Ah,” said Maurice, nodding. “And what did Jacques say that was so very humorous?”

  Fleur’s cheeks turned red like her hair, and she bit her lip with embarrassment.

  “Well,” said Fleur. “He thinks you’re . . . old. Oh, and a phony. Jacques said that none of this is real.”

  “I see,” said Maurice. “Well, the world is full of people who will doubt.”

  Maurice tried to swish his cape with a flourish, hurt his back, and feebly made his way across the stage using his cane.

  “Doubters will say that magic is only make-believe. And you know what? You don’t need to say a word to prove them wrong. All you need is this.”

  Maurice pulled an old broken compass from his vest pocket. It looked about as old as him, and the arrow only pointed one way: directly at the person holding it.

  “Come up here, little girl. You will be my assistant.”

  Fleur stood, and reluctantly joined Maurice on stage. I felt a twinge of guilt, and hoped he wouldn’t put her in a box and stick her with swords.

  “Take this,” said Maurice. He handed Fleur the compass.

  “I’m going to make you disappear,” said Maurice. He went over to a person-sized cabinet, opened the door, and motioned for Fleur to step inside. She did, and he closed the cabinet behind her.

  “Alakazam!” shouted Maurice. I couldn’t help but roll my eyes.

  But then, to my utter shock, Maurice opened the cabinet and Fleur was gone! An excited murmur went through the crowd.

  “Now, Fleur,” hollered Maurice. “If you tap your compass three times, you can come back home.”

  Maurice closed the cabinet, waited for three taps, and when he opened the door, POOF! There was Fleur.

  Well, obviously the audience went wild, and old Maurice took a bow (or not; it was hard to tell since his posture was already so stooped). Fleur tried to give back the compass, but Maurice shook his head and folded Fleur’s hand over it.

  “The world is a mystery with a capital M,” said Maurice. “The impossible is possible. And you, Fleur, seem like the kind of girl who knows that real is merely in the eye of the beholder.”

  Chapter Seven

  FLABBERGASTED

  The next day I was fiddling with the compass from the magic show, attempting to make François the wiener dog disappear, when I heard my parents enter their room. The walls in the Papier household are paper-thin, which is how I overheard the conversation that changed the course of my life.

  “Do you think,” I heard my mother say, “there is such a thing as too much imagination?”

  “Perhaps,” my father replied. “Maybe it was wrong to raise her around so many puppets. Maybe all those googly eyes and moving mouths confused her.”

  I heard my mother sigh. “And we shouldn’t have played along for such a long time. The bunk beds were one thing, but setting an extra place at the table? An extra toothbrush? Buying a second set of books for school? I guess I just thought Fleur would eventually grow out of having an imaginary friend on her own.”

  I was shocked.

  I was dumbfounded.

  I was flabbergasted.

  My sister, my sidekick, had an imaginary friend that she’d never told me about.

  Chapter Eight

  KNOWN

  Oh, Fleur!

  We shared everything: bunk beds, baths, banana splits. And don’t even get m
e started on subsequent letters of the alphabet. Once we even shared—brace yourself—a piece of chewing gum. She was chewing, and I had none, and she split it in two like the King Solomon of sweets. Maybe it was yucky. Maybe it was love. And maybe it was a sticky blob of both.

  And now a secret as monumental as an imaginary friend?

  We were so close. Fleur could read my mind. She knew what I was thinking before I did.

  “What would you like for breakfast?” our mother would ask.

  And Fleur would shout back, “Jacques wants a pancake shaped like Mozart’s Symphony No. 40! In G minor!”

  The weirdest part? I did want that. I did.

  The truth is, that’s all anyone wants, to be known that way, to be seen. I don’t mean our hair or our clothes, I mean seen for who we really are. We all want to find that one person who knows the real us, all our quirks, and still understands. Have you ever had anyone see you? Really, truly, the deepest part that seems invisible to the rest of the world?

  I hope you have.

  I have.

  I have always had Fleur.

  Chapter Nine

  R FOR RIDICULOUS

  The next morning, I awoke slightly less depressed. My anger and confusion had been replaced with a plan. Two can play at that game.

  I’m not talking about Go Fish or Trivial Pursuit, though I am brilliant at both. I’m talking about the imaginary friend game that Fleur was playing. I’m talking about my brilliant idea to get an imaginary friend of my own.

  To be honest, I didn’t know a ton about the topic since I’m clearly the intellectual type, more interested in pop-up vice presidential biographies and particle physics coloring books. So I went to the library to conduct my research.

  “Excuse me,” I said to the librarian. “Do you have any material about imaginary friends? Would that be under I or F, do you think? Maybe R for ridiculous! Am I right, or am I right?”

  I put up my hand for a high five, but the librarian kept stacking her books, totally ignoring me. I knew what this was about.